Tag: poetry

One girl made me so upset. 

Afraid. 

Not of her, 

But rather 

The butterflies in my stomach. 

The “it” girl. 

Beautiful, funny, smart and kind. 

Perfection in the flesh. 

How could anyone ever love me 

When they could have her? 

“It’s okay for others, but I could never!” 

This silent mantra subliminally messaged me constantly. 

One day I realized I am worthy of the same grace I extend to others. 

I want to kiss a woman. But not because I’m drunk, or want attention, but because I want to. Because I like her smile and the way she laughs. Because she gives me butterflies. I want to run my fingers through her hair and hold her hand, stay in bed until 11 on a Sunday and know how she takes her coffee. I want to exchange our hopes and dreams, have dinner with her mom and laugh at old baby pictures. 

There she was in pixels 

Illuminating in front of my eyes. 

Oh there you are, 

There’s the love of my life. 

A note from the poet: 

While writing these poems for my first book, A 24 Year-Old Girl, I was struggling with the aftermath of heartbreaks, the transition into adulthood, and you guessed it: my sexuality. My sexual identity was always something I questioned, but being that I had only ever dated cis, straight men, I never fully allowed myself the chance to explore as I was otherwise committed. Once I found myself single, and deep in the throws of self-improvement, queer discovery wasn’t far behind.

I struggled for a long time with finding a label for my sexuality. I knew I wasn’t straight, but I felt as though I didn’t fit in any particular box. I suppose if you were to put a gun to my head I would say I’m pansexual, but the artist in me prefers the terms “queer” or “fluid.” Trying to define my sexuality ended up limiting the expression and exploration I needed to be out and proud. If I waited any longer to have the proper name for myself, I would be waiting forever. 

To me, sexuality is a beautiful, complex, and fluid thing that cannot be described with a label. So I decided to stop trying to understand what I was, and embrace being a member of the community in some way, shape, or form even if I didn’t know how. Like I’ve always known, I am not straight, and at last, that is enough for me. 

I have friends who love their labels of trans, lesbian, bisexual, etc. because it makes them feel seen or gives them an understanding of themselves; I applaud them! The main takeaway from my personal growth I want to share with you, reader, is to allow yourself a chance to breathe. 

Remember, there are no rules, it truly is not that deep. There is no “right” way to discover yourself, and it is okay for you to belong to one community and one day find another that feels like home. We are multifaceted beings, constantly evolving and are “worthy of the same grace [we] extend to others.” 

Peace & luv, 

Bethany Clark